Jokes

Heres a couple goodies.. feel free to add your own! im sure we could all do with a good laugh!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back

and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say

"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries

have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a

horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,

you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Remind you of your flat?

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

 

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

Does the gynecologist leave the room when you undress pkge? hehe

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

whats black and blue and dosent like sex?

a rape victim

if you cant see the funny side of this. fuckin deal with it, dont cry all your bullshit my way

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

whats black and blue and dosent like sex?

a rape victim

DUDE!! HAHAHAH.. rugged

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a lifeboat from a ship that sank in

the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab

a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After

floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On

the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation,

they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew

near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the

genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF!" Out popped a tired old genie

who said "Okay, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite

frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here.

Make it a good one".

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the

beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine" said the genie, and he

instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"

sex is like math

- the clothes, + the bed, / the legs, ...and pray to god you don't multiply.

Dear Diary

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive

double pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from

the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work

had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo?

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically

stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told

ME last year......namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for

themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at

the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't

call back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

LOL!

Time for some R18 goodness. Don't bitch if you can't hack it

A chick is on all fours... cum dribbling out of her ass and both sides of her mouth. What does this tell you?

The Floor is level.

96.2% of all statistics are made up on the spot

Whats irish and always stays outside?

Paddio-furniture

fuck thats so dry its funny

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

"To apply, push up bottom."

.... again wid the dryness... i dunno.. like it or lump it beeaches!

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

testing =)

phew.. i thought you were gonna say...TESTICLES

That wouldn't have been very PC now would it.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides

of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is

getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman. They are both

thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

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Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, since Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.