How to be a Drum and Bass Junglist...

How to How to be a drum & bass Junglist

Kids, worried that scary junglists will show you the screwface when you step inside the dance? Don't worry, as these style tips will help you fit in, and soon you'll be begging for Grooverider to rewind 'the Odyssey' just like everybody else. Boh©

Steps

1. Boys: shave your head. It will better accentuate your fierce scowl and, if you like drumfunk, hide your imminent balding. Also, don't forget to grow a soul patch.

2. Girls: doesn't matter what your hair looks like. You will be heavily outnumbered and therefore in high demand. If you should find this is not the case, post a picture of yourself on a D&B message board, and watch the replies roll in. Hint: your acne and fat-ass are meaningless in the dnb world.

3. Clothes for boys: include hoodies, t-shirts and baggy trousers , (Carharrt, Stussy, arctic camo) no matter what style of D&B you prefer. Alternatively, if you and your crew all reach the club wearing rockports and burberry caps, the DJ will probably play some hilarously-titled wobble tune for you, and rewind it five times. Proper, proper, proper.

4. Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that it's obvious you are a girl.

5. Rewinds: if you particularly appreciate the DJ's selection, make a funny gun-shape with your fingers and shout at him/her. Do not do this in any other circumstance, or it might lead to trouble. In any case, the DJ will undoubtedly rewind the biggest tunes anyway, even if the crowd were to sit there in stony-faced silence.

6. Your upbringing: Even if you grew up riding ponies and shooting peasants on an estate in Buckinghamshire, or eating grilled-cheese in a trailer in Kansas, you still have bare love for all the mans in Brixton town. Practice teeth-sucking. Represent.

7. Mock everything

8. Your musical background: you were born into this world to the sound of 'Amen Brother' by The Winstons, the mobile hanging above your cot was built by King Tubby, and you were the first kid at school to own signed copies of albums by NWA, 2Pac and Demon Boyz. The copies of "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" and the first Ugly Kid Joe album must have appeared in your record collection by mistake.

9. If you're from the UK, you have been around since day one, cause we invented this music, OK? If you're from the U.S., you heard it on a mixtape in the mid-nineties, and don't forget we invented hip-hop, you busted-teeth haters. If you're from anywhere else: STFU.

10. Everything started in 1992. That's all anyone cares about.

11. say any of the following in a sentence: "Seen, innit, mate, oi, innit, oi,oi, oi, respek" automatically qualifies you as a junglist too. congratulations.

Tips

Whatever you do, pay close attention to whatever style it is currently trendy to claim influenced you to begin listening to drum and bass. This varies as rapidly as the British weather, so watch out. A sudden switch in the mood of D&B could leave your knoweldge of the lyrics to 'Incredible' looking rather old hat. Likewise, the inexplicable nostalgia for mid-nineties techstep may die a death very soon. In 2005, you will invariably be down with the "liquidy dub" styles.

To be truely 1337 download crappy 320 conversions of dubplates from set rips, mix them together using FS and then pretend superstar dj's 'sent' u them. Soulseek is good for this although please refer to Warnings section below.

If in doubt, you and your bredren hung out at Speed, but you met your current crew on teh dancefloor at the Blue Note in '95.

Be sure and put down anyone that doesnt roll with your kru even if (esp. if) they are into the same things you are. You want to make sure that everyone knows your are the original elite junglist Example: Some guy says he likes an artist who's music you've included in a mix. Immedietly tell him how wack he is and that said artist was a lot cooler a few years ago.

Even if you are paralysed from the neck down, front like you are a DJ waiting for your big break. You have an enormous collection of dubplates back at the lab (ie. your mum's gaff, where you are known as "Raymond" rather than "RuffJunglist92") and have mastered a triple drop with the three most obscure Metalheadz b-sides outside of London. In reality, you have spent the last three years vainly attempting to beatmatch 'Bad Ass' with 'Bodyrock' in preparation for the day Helter Skelter call you because Nicky Blackmarket has a flat tire on his BMW.

Be sure to flex your internet gangsta abilities at any given moment; be sure to reference commonly used Internet Relay Chat channels as who you rep: case in point ..iamdnb, ..dnbmonstertrux-- for the young ones being tuff please start in rooms like ..dnbcarebears.

Be ready to use the term "roller" as if you actually know what it refers to.

Clownstep is in the eye of the beholder - don't be afraid to deploy this term against any artist who dares to play any tune that offends you and your spotty, virgin mates hanging out at the back of the club. Maybe a girl will hear you slagging off said big name artist and invite herself back to your flat to debate the merits of the No U-Turn back catalogue. Alternatively, you could just slag said artist on the DOA forum and be forced into an embarassing climbdown when they threaten you with a kicking after somebody forwards them your post.

Warnings

I'm shutting you down! I'm the bigger man!

When Grooverider waves his flag... duck?

Quit hating - it's bad for your health.

Andy C will always be voted Nr. 1 DJ on the Drum & Bass Arena. Even if he were to be eaten by wolves (a pack of wolves, perhaps) he would continue to own jungle from beyond the grave. Like 2pac. Mampi Swift and Zinc will eternally battle it out for the number two slot, and Friction will continue to win 'best newcomer'. The howls of protest from American Dieselboy fans will not be acknowledged until the entire UK sinks into the depths of the ocean.

If you are ever caught posting on the DNBArena msgboard, you will be regarded as 'batty'; if you are ever caught posting on DOA you are officially a hater.

If you use Soulseek and frequent the DnB room you will be regarded as 'retarded attention whore'

When writing a satirical guide to internet junglism, it's probably better not to do it anonymously, or people will repeatedly quote it on message boards as if it is their own work. Where's my 20€

If you need to read this guide seriously to help you fit in, you deserve to be that attention whore in the Soulseek D&B room. Same goes for if you actually take any of the advice herein, or cannot appreciate irony.

Brilliant!

Im still trying to think about what could possibly be added to this, any suggestions?

hahahah....had a good laugh reading this...nice 1 kieann.....its funny coz its true

One other thing...whilst making a comment online u will almost certainly be called a nOOb by someone who heard thier first dnb tune the day before.

Nice one mate. Classic shit.

Now everyone get off the computer and start practising the old finger-point-n-boh!

Hehehe, nice thread

Seems you missed a bit of vocab though!!

Feel free to scream these out at the top of your lungs to make the DJ know that your a junglist to the core and your liking the set.

Werd, boh, reppin, tight, massive... and anything else you can make up on the spot

And remember, all your peeps now have no name and are known as 'bruvva'

And just to confirm, as a part of the rebel alliance known as "the massive" you can never wear too much camo, coz we are the urban soldiers!!

ez