How to Be a Drum & Bass Junglist

[smooth]

haha.. funny shit..

 

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How to Be a Drum & Bass Junglist

Kids, worried that scary junglists will show you the screwface when you step inside the dance? Don't worry, as these style tips will help you fit in, and soon you'll be begging for Grooverider to rewind 'the Odyssey' just like everybody else. Boh!

 

 

 

 

Steps

Boys: shave your head. It will better accentuate your fierce scowl and, if you like drumfunk, hide your imminent balding. Also, don't forget to grow a soul patch.

Girls: it doesn't matter what your hair looks like. You will be heavily outnumbered and therefore in high demand. If you should find this is not the case, post a picture of yourself on a D&B message board, and watch the replies roll in. Hint: your acne and fat arse are meaningless in the D&B world.

Clothes for boys: include hoodies, t-shirts and baggy trousers, (Carharrt, Stussy, arctic camo) no matter what style of D&B you prefer. Alternatively, if you and your crew all reach the club wearing Rockports and burberry caps, the DJ will probably play some hilariously-titled wobble tune for you, and rewind it five times. Proper, proper, proper.

Clothes for girls: see number 2. Just make sure that it's obvious you are a girl.

Rewinds: if you particularly appreciate the DJ's selection, make a funny gun-shape with your fingers and shout at him/her. Do not do this in any other circumstance, or it might lead to trouble. In any case, the DJ will undoubtedly rewind the biggest tunes anyway, even if the crowd were to sit there in stony-faced silence.

Your upbringing: Even if you grew up riding ponies and shooting pheasants on an estate in Buckinghamshire, or eating grilled-cheese in a trailer in Kansas, you still have bare love for all the mans in Brixton town. Practice teeth-sucking. Represent.

Mock everything.

Your musical background: you were born into this world to the sound of 'Amen Brother' by The Winstons, the mobile hanging above your cot was built by King Tubby, and you were the first kid at school to own signed copies of albums by NWA, 2Pac and Demon Boyz. The copies of "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" and the first Ugly Kid Joe album must have appeared in your record collection by mistake.

If you're from the UK, you have been around since day one, cause we invented this music, OK? If you're from the U.S., you heard it on a mixtape in the mid-nineties, and don't forget we invented hip-hop, you busted-teeth haters. If you're from anywhere else: STFU.

Everything started in 1992. That's all anyone cares about.

Saying any of the following in a sentence: "Seen, innit, mate, oi, innit, oi, oi, oi, respek" automatically qualifies you as a junglist, too. Congratulations.

Always, ALWAYS say you are a producer, and that you have several tracks "on lockdown." Fruity Loops is perfectly acceptable. If pressed, drop obscure terms like VST, Sub-bass Frequency Drop off ranges, Hi-pass noise click filters, ultramaximizing super limiters or Reese Boxes.

 

 

 

Tips

Whatever you do, pay close attention to whatever style it is currently trendy to claim influenced you to begin listening to drum and bass. This varies as rapidly as the British weather, so watch out. A sudden switch in the mood of D&B could leave your knoweldge of the lyrics to 'Incredible' looking rather old hat. Likewise, the inexplicable nostalgia for late-nineties techstep may die a death very soon. In 2005, you will invariably be down with the "liquidy dub" styles.

To be truely 1337, download crappy 320 conversions of dubplates from set rips, mix them together using FS and then pretend superstar DJ's "sent" you them. Soulseek is good for this, although please refer to the Warnings section below.

If in doubt, you and your "bredren" hung out at Speed, but you met your current crew on the dancefloor at the Blue Note in '95.

Be sure and put down anyone that doesn't roll with your kru, even if (esp. if) they are into the same things you are. You want to make sure that everyone knows your are the original elite junglist. Example: Some guy says he likes an artist who's music you've included in a mix. Immediately tell him how wack he is and that said artist was a lot cooler a few years ago.

Even if you are paralysed from the neck down, front like you are a DJ waiting for your big break. You have an enormous collection of dubplates back at the lab (ie. your mum's gaff, where you are known as "Raymond" rather than "RuffJunglist92") and have mastered a triple drop with the three most obscure Metalheadz b-sides outside of London. In reality, you have spent the last three years vainly attempting to beatmatch 'Bad Ass' with 'Bodyrock' in preparation for the day Helter Skelter call you because Nicky Blackmarket has a flat tire on his BMW.

Be sure to flex your internet gangsta abilities at any given moment; be sure to reference commonly used Internet Relay Chat channels as who you rep: case in point #iamdnb, #dnbmonstertrux - for the young ones being tuff, please start in rooms like #dnbcarebears.

Be ready to use the term "roller" as if you actually know what it refers to.

Clownstep is in the eye of the beholder - don't be afraid to deploy this term against any artist who dares to play any tune that offends you and your spotty, virgin mates hanging out at the back of the club. Maybe a girl will hear you slagging off said big name artist and invite herself back to your flat to debate the merits of the No U-Turn back catalogue. Alternatively, you could just slag said artist on the DOA forum and be forced into an embarassing climbdown when they threaten you with a kicking after somebody forwards them your post.

If you ever sell an older tune on Ebay, it will always be BUKEM RARE.

Make sure that everybody knows that you smoke blunts all day every day and ecstasy is for retards who dance and look foolish.

Put hin in his place.

On forums, if you wish to really cement your status as Stupid Chav, for girls pick a username that begins "Lady". For fellas, MC quotes in CAPITAL LETTERS are a must, and maybe a football-related image.

Warnings

I'm shutting you down! I'm the bigger man!

When Grooverider waves his flag... duck?

Quit hating - it's bad for your health.

Andy C will always be voted Nr. 1 DJ on the Drum & Bass Arena. Even if he were to be eaten by wolves (a pack of wolves, perhaps) he would continue to own jungle from beyond the grave. Like 2pac. Mampi Swift and Zinc will eternally battle it out for the number two slot, and Friction will continue to win "best newcomer." The howls of protest from American Dieselboy fans will not be acknowledged until the entire UK sinks into the depths of the ocean.

If you are ever caught posting on the DNBArena msgboard, you will be regarded as "batty;" if you are ever caught posting on DOA, you are officially a hater.

If you use Soulseek and frequent the DnB room, you will be regarded as "retarded attention whore."

When writing a satirical guide to internet junglism, it's probably better not to do it anonymously, or people will repeatedly quote it on message boards as if it is their own work. Where's my 20%?

If you need to read this guide seriously to help you fit in, you deserve to be that attention whore in the Soulseek D&B room. Same goes for if you actually take any of the advice herein, or cannot appreciate irony.

If you're called stripey, consider naming yourself DJ BUKKAKKE.

Forums/Boards etc: That ain't real life, so get out there and be human for once. Ain't nothing wrong with spending some free time there, but don't spend your whole life there bitchin about dnb and whatnot - why not actually experience it firsthand innit.

 

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[Dapht1]

http://www.drumandbass.co.nz/forum/viewtopic.php?t=153