Jokes

[Known One]

A drunken friend recently mispronounced "continental drift," and it came out sounding like "cunnilingual drift." We brainstormed a few meanings for cunnilingual drift before settling on this one: When a person's tongue drifts down to a woman's anus, on purpose or by accident, during an intense session of cunnilingus.

[Teret]

someone block marks account

 

that is sick

[Known One]

Nato owes me too many 'favours' to be doing anything like that

[Turbo Custard]

whats black and blue and dosent like sex?

 

 

 

 

 

a rape victim

 

 

 

 

if you cant see the funny side of this. fuckin deal with it, dont cry all your bullshit my way

 

What do you teach a woman with one black eye ?

 

Nothing. Shes already been taught.

 

 

What do you teach a woman with two black eyes ?

 

Nothing. She cant be taught.

[Turbo Custard]

What ? As if chick bashing jokes were "un-pc" or something.... sheesh.

[Teret]

oh believe me i laughed. look at the lighter side of shit

[cramer]

God created man, stepped back, and said:

 

"Perfect."

 

God created woman, stepped back, and said:

 

"Erm, I think this is going to need some make-up."

 

 

[Pakage]

BAHAHAhaaa...

 

nice

[Known One]

What's the first thing a woman should do after coming home from the battered women's refuge?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

 

Whats the difference between a women and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

 

 

A man gets home from the pub, he sits in his favourite chair and shouts to his wife "quick get me a beer before it starts!" she obliges. 10 minutes later he shouts the same and his wife replies "you lazy bastard, you never do anything" he puts his head in his hands and moans "shit, its started."

 

 

Why were shopping trolleys invented?

To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

 

:scriptslayer:

[cramer]

hehehe this has just turned into an anti-women thread!

[Pakage]

In this public toilet, there's this magic mirror. Whenever you say something wrong, you disappear.

 

Anyway, a red head walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the best legs in the world" and puff...she's gone.

 

Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the most sexist eyes" and puff...she's gone

 

Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says "I think..." and puff she's gone!

[Pakage]

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

 

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

 

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

 

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

 

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get

to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

 

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

 

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

 

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

 

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: Guy is shot dead.

No third date!!!

 

Lebanese Women:

First Date: You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date : You will take a loan to keep the image

Third Date : Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

[Guest]

What's the first thing a woman should do after coming home from the battered women's refuge?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

 

Whats the difference between a women and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

 

 

A man gets home from the pub, he sits in his favourite chair and shouts to his wife "quick get me a beer before it starts!" she obliges. 10 minutes later he shouts the same and his wife replies "you lazy bastard, you never do anything" he puts his head in his hands and moans "shit, its started."

 

 

 

Why were shopping trolleys invented?

To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

 

:scriptslayer:

 

BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

Dis 1's gross

 

Q. What do you call an anorexic with thrush?

A. A quarter pounder with cheese.

[Nato]

Q. What do you call an anorexic with thrush?

A. A quarter pounder with cheese.

:roflbarf:

[Known One]

Q. What do you call an anorexic with thrush?

 

Robin

 

[Pakage]

 

man mum...

 

jeeez..

[Pakage]

A bloke calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 kg weight loss program.

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe

dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her

neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few klicks later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his

way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5

kg as promised.

 

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but

when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover

that he has lost another 10 kg as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 kg

program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most

rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds

this huge, muscular, 2.5 m tall man standing there

wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that

read:, "I'm Ramon. If I catch you, you're mine..."

 

[Pakage]

BILL GATES VS GENERAL MOTORS

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

 

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

[Pakage]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

 

After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.

 

My wife came home last night without her panties."

 

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

baha..

[Known One]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

 

2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice,

a lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g

pack of bacon

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to

her marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

 

 

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

 

 

Dunno why but this made me crackup... anyone else?

[Pakage]

Yeah, that is funny, blunt and crude, but pretty good still

 

Check this one out!

 

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I am going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".

 

George thought that sounded pretty good , so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Kennedy kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.

 

"No!" Bush said. "I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said. "Yeah, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*

D

R

U

M

 

R

O

L

L

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[robyn]

Dunno why but this made me crackup... anyone else?

 

Agreed, that shit was funny.

 

So long as noone ever says it to me

[Pakage]

A Fishing Story!

 

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICu. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving,what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!

 

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU!

 

It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

 

The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you.She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[Known One]

You all ever hear about the drink called the "Nicole"? its like a Blood Mary... Just add O.J.

[Guest]

david bain has been asked what his first meal would be upon his release....

 

he replied...."kfc....i could murder a family pack"